The Feast of St. Stephen

I had the day off and decided to go to mass this morning. I love Christmas carols and figured that church is about the only place we'll hear them any more this year. As Father walked out of the sacristy, he was wearing red, and I remembered that today is the Feast of St. Stephen. Instead of a carol, we started with "Were You There?"--so much for a good time. Anyway I got to thinking about why the Church placed the feast of a martyr right after Christmas--can't we bask in the glow of the cute little baby? I guess not. Christianity, lived right, isn't a matter of enjoying what was but facing what is--and what is, often isn't friendly to Christians, at least those who take it seriously. On the other hand you can also say that because God was so generous to come to earth, to be born in a stable that stank, we call can have the crown that Stephen wears--the crown of those in heaven.

Perfect Timing?

My baby is my late life surprise gift from God. She showed up due to His planning, not ours. There are times I wonder what in the world He was thinking--its not easy having such a wide gap in the ages of your kids, having a toddler and a teenager; not to mention that all the moms at daycare are 15-20 years younger than I am. Today I found myself telling folks at our office party that having the baby has made dealing with my mom's death so much easier.

I remember four years ago this coming spring. I was kneeling in the daily mass chapel of a local parish praying/crying. I was having heart palipitations and my doctor had found a strange-looking cyst on my ovary. At the same time my mom was getting weaker and weaker and yet no one knew what was wrong. Fr. announced the opening hymn as "Be Not Afraid" and headed out. I don't remember if I managed to stand or not, but I know the tears flowed. I was afraid I had something really bad wrong with me and afraid I was losing my mom--and here we were singing "Be Not Afraid". A couple of months later they finally found out what was wrong with my mom, and that while treatments were available, the long-term prognosis wasn't good. A few months after that I found that I was pregnant.

Well, Mom had three more Christmases with us before her death last March. Two of them included my darling baby. Its not the way I would have planned it, but I'm glad He did. My husband wanted to stop at two kids; I always wanted another, but defered to him. By the time she showed up, I had kind of gotten babies out of my system--my kids were older, I was enjoying doing things like scouts and teaching CCD and enjoying not having to take the kids everywhere with me. I always got kind of a longing when people brought babies to the office to show off, but I knew that part of my life was done and had pretty much accepted that--to the point where I wasn't exactly thrilled when I found out I was pregnant. After a rather physically uncomfortable pregnancy I could truly say that I knew I didn't want to do that again. However, having that baby gave me a life to focus on, rather than an impending death.

This Christmas will be the first without Mom. The baby isn't quite old enough to know that Santa is coming, but she knows that what's in those packages is usually good. It will be fun to watch her open presents and love everything. That excitement just isn't there in older kids, even when they get what they want. I think having her there will help me concentrate more on the "magic" and less on the missing. God's timing is perfect.

Separation Anxiety

What I hate most about my kids getting older is the separation from me. Now, some of you know that I have worked since my kids were three months old, so you may wonder what the separation I'm complaining of is. Well, when they were in daycare I could pick up the phone at any time, call the daycare and ask how they were doing. I saw the sitter or primary teacher every morning and could tell her if they were having a bad time with something. I dropped off and picked up where they spent most of their day. When they started elementary school, I lost that ability. Now, phone calls to the teacher were returned, not taken, and often not until the end of the day. However, they just had a few teachers, teachers I was able to meet at open house and see on field trips or at school parties. Most of them came to know me by name, especially by the time my second child had them. Now the big kids are in two different schools; she is at a magnet middle school and he is at a Catholic high school. They each have a lot of teachers--teachers who are supposedly available via email or phone, but who experience has shown are somewhat less than quick to respond. I know part of growing up is moving away from your parents and out on your own, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

Deck the Halls--and all that stuff

I open the magazine at the grocery store and see yet another beautifully decorated house, where the decorations on the tree coordinate, yet aren't a matched set from the box at K-Mart. I see collections of figurines that were collected over the years, yet seem to go together so well. I don't see spots on the carpet or chalk on the door. No homework lays covering the coffee table. Then I move on to the baking section where the cookies are works of art (and taste good too). There aren't any pictures of kids asking "what's in that?". Then I come home where, just like in the magazine, the tree doesn't drop needles (but only because, as much as I love real trees, something had to give, so the tree is artificial). The holiday figurines are arranged so as to have the breakable ones out of "TTR" (tippy-toe reach). The tree ornaments are a collection of whatever has struck my or the kids' fancy over the years, and no they don't match or even coordinate. Even though I cleaned the rug in the den last night, its still not REALLY clean. We cut out and decorate sugar cookies every year, and they look like the kids did them--even if I do. I make sure there are plenty of chocolate chip cookies and brownies to go with the fancier cookies, so my poor kids won't starve. I'll never win any contests for package wrapping. Oh well, I have some beautiful Christmas decorations and here is one I'll share with you: